If Everything Matters, Nothing Moves
Priorities and Boundaries: Turning Values into Goal Structure
Last week, we sat in that corner office with Ryan Bingham exploring a pivotal scene from the movie Up in the Air. He sat across from a man who once wanted to be a chef pondering the question: “How much did they first pay you to give up on your dreams?”
It’s an uncomfortable question because we often set goals but then make tradeoffs that steer us away from those goals.
Most trade-offs never feel that dramatic in the moment. They feel reasonable, responsible, and even smart. You get a raise, so you stay. Then a promotion, so it lasts a little longer. Then a new opportunity. Perhaps we tell ourselves it’s only temporary, just a short detour before we circle back. And yet, over time, what once felt central becomes optional, what once felt alive becomes negotiable.
Even if the man in the corner office wasn’t just a character in a movie… if he was real and he had clarified his values years earlier, would clarity alone have protected those values?
Probably not. It would have been a strong start, but it would not have been a silver bullet.
Values provide direction. They tell you what matters help you understand what your goals should support. But direction without structure drifts under pressure. Values identify your North Star, but to navigate toward it – and set goals that align with it – you need to decide what gets your time and attention, and what does not.
That shift requires two things: setting priorities and establishing boundaries.
From Values to Priorities
It’s easy to think that once you identify your values, the rest will take care of itself. In theory, that sounds reasonable; in practice, it rarely works that way.
Think of it this way. You are at the bank of a river and the values-driven goals you identify are directly across from you on the opposite bank. If you were to try and swim to them, you would be pushed downriver by the current. When you arrive at the opposite bank, you’ll have drifted from your values. You need something to guide you across and fight the current.
To further complicate it, life does not always crowd out our values with obvious “currents.” It crowds them out with seemingly good alternatives, interesting projects, new possessions, job advancements, social invitations, worthy causes, and much more — things we may think we want but haven’t fully examined to see if they align with who we want to be.
Opportunities that look aligned on the surface quietly compete for the same finite resources of our time and energy. This is where defining your core priorities comes in.
Your core priorities are not just a list of things you care about; they are the small number of areas where you are willing to consistently invest your time and energy into.
Research on self-concordant goals by Ken Sheldon and Andrew Elliot helps explain why this matters. When goals align with deeply held values, people persist longer and experience greater well-being. But their findings imply something equally important: progress requires sustained effort, and sustained effort requires selectivity. When attention is diluted across too many aims, even meaningful goals lose momentum.
Defining priorities helps you avoid that dilution and forces selectivity.
To uncover your priorities, begin with your lived evidence rather than abstract ideals. Think back over the past year and look for patterns – even better, track the next month and record it.
When did you feel most fulfilled?
When were you genuinely energized?
What did success look like to you, not to anyone else?
What moments still feel steady and meaningful in hindsight?
You Are Your Environment
As you reflect, go beyond focusing only on what you were doing. Pay attention to who you were with.
Often, who you are with is as important as what you are doing. The idea that “you are who you surround yourself with” is not just a cliché; it is grounded in behavioral science and social psychology. We are shaped, consciously and unconsciously, by the norms, expectations, and habits of the people around us. Behaviors spread through networks; attitudes normalize; identities are reinforced within groups.
Over time, we calibrate our effort, ambition, and even our sense of what is possible against our environment.
This is not inherently negative — it is human. But it does mean that priorities are not only about tasks or achievements; they are also about the environment and people we surround ourselves with.
If your values point toward being more active and spending time outdoors, but most of your evenings are structured around routines that pull you in a different direction, you will not be happy. If your values point toward creativity, but your social circles reinforce only stability and risk avoidance, motivation may slowly erode.
The Case for Boundaries
If priorities determine where your energy goes, boundaries determine where it stops. When we focus only on positive experiences, we tend to chase what feels energizing and repeat what feels good – assuming that repetition alone creates alignment. We say yes, when we should say no.
Research on self-affirmation, led by Geoffrey Cohen and David Sherman, suggests that when people feel grounded in their core values, they become less defensive and more willing to confront uncomfortable truths. Once you have clarified what matters, you are better equipped to examine what is not working — and to adjust without collapsing into self-criticism.
At some point, we must define what we will not compromise. We need clear lines we refuse to cross. Perhaps you won’t work late and miss dinner with your family. Perhaps you won’t take shortcuts on a project. Perhaps you won’t sacrifice your health, your integrity, or your values—even when it would be easier to do so
There is another source of information that is often clearer in helping you decide when to set a boundary – identifying the moments that drained you.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy research consistently shows that avoidance, procrastination, and emotional shutdown often signal misalignment rather than weakness. When something repeatedly triggers resentment or anxiety, it may be brushing up against a violated value or an overextended priority.
To begin establishing your boundaries, think back over the past year, or again, track this for the next month. Think about what you were doing, and again – where you were and who you were with.
When did you feel the least fulfilled?
What situations left you exhausted?
Where do you feel lingering regret, for what you did or did not do?
What patterns of behavior are not serving the person you want to become?
These are not just emotional memories, instead they are directional signals.
Boundaries are built from that examination. They are not walls meant to isolate you; they are filters designed to protect limited resources. They guard against chronic overcommitment, quiet distraction, and the slow erosion of what you claim to care about.
In practical terms, boundaries might look like:
Protecting evenings from work encroachment
Declining projects that dilute deep work
Limiting social commitments during a focused season
Saying no to opportunities that conflict with family priorities.
They may feel small in isolation; but over time, they become structural. Without boundaries, priorities remain aspirational. With boundaries, they become operational.
Want a deep dive into these exercises? The Goal/Shift guide will walk you through the process step by step.
Bringing it all Together
Last week we explored how values shape the quality of motivation. Research from Self-Determination Theory shows that when actions are aligned with internalized values, effort feels different... hard does not automatically mean wrong — it can mean meaningful.
Priorities decide where you will invest that meaningful effort, and boundaries protect that investment from being too much and becoming burnt out. Together, they transform values from inspiring language into lived behavioral architecture.
If everything matters equally, nothing receives the attention required to grow. When a few priorities are chosen deliberately and a few boundaries are enforced consistently, progress compounds.
This Week’s Practice
Start by sitting with the questions above about fulfillment, energy, success. Ask, what are your non-negotiables in life? Let them linger. Notice which answers feel steady rather than reactive.
Then write a concise list of your current core priorities — not a lot, just a few.
Next, examine the negative data. Identify recurring drains, regrets, and stress triggers, and translate them into specific boundaries.
What will you reduce, decline, or stop doing?
These are the “dos” and “don’ts” that should guide your goals. You do not need to aim for perfection. Instead, aim for clarity.
Keep on shifting,
This Week’s Shift
A weekly reminder to rethink, reflect, and act:
Identify your most important priority and boundary to live by this year.
Listen
Go deeper into this week’s topic:
Thoughtful Reads
Curated ideas to inspire reflection:
Why Tension Creates Great Stories
Behavioral Science in the Wild
Every week in Behavior Shift Weekly, we share ideas grounded in behavioral science and psychology, practical tools to help you think differently, act intentionally, and build the life you actually want.