Are Your Goals Actually Yours?
Why Values Need to Come Before Goals
A few years ago, well after its release, I finally got around to watching the movie Up in the Air. I am no Roger Ebert, however I’d say it was entertaining – 6/10. Overall, I didn’t love it; I didn’t hate it. There is one scene though that has stuck with me. Its visceral, its emotional, its real. And it raises a very human question – why do our goals often bring us places we didn’t intend to go?
The scene takes place in a generic corner office. George Clooney’s character, Ryan Bingham, and his assistant Natalie sit across from a man who has just learned he’s losing his seemingly comfortable corporate job. He is stunned, grasping for footing. He talks about his kids, his mortgage, his plans. This was supposed to be the stable path.
Then Ryan asks him a simple question: “How much did they first pay you to give up on your dreams?” The air changes. There is a sense of mutual recognition.
He never planned to end up in this office – he dreamed of being a chef. He didn’t abandon his dream overnight; he traded it away slowly. A raise here. A promotion there. Each step reasonable on its own, yet each one nudging him a little farther away from the life he has previously envisioned for himself. His goals had, over time, become an amalgamation of external influence, not his true vision.
Here is the scene if you want to watch for yourself.
The point isn’t that everyone should chase their childhood fantasy. Our dreams change over time and that’s ok.
But the reality is that many of us end up living lives built on goals that were slowly shaped by external expectations, social pressure, and “shoulds” that weren’t fully ours to begin with.
Layer by layer, year by year, we stack goals without ever stopping to ask whether the direction fits our true values. In fact, many, if not most, don’t ever sit down and identify those values to begin with.
As we explored in Why Some Goals Transform Everything, and Others… Don’t, the problem often isn’t effort or discipline. It’s a misalignment. Identifying and understanding your values will help you build a roadmap for your goals – they provide a guiding beacon that gives you a chance to pressure test those goals against what YOU truly want.
Why values change the motivational equation
Behavioral science has been pointing to why it’s so important to have this alignment between values and goals for decades. In one study, psychologists Ken Sheldon and Andrew Elliot found that when people pursue goals aligned with their authentic interests and values, they invest more sustained effort, make more progress over time, and experience greater well-being along the way. When goals are not self-concordant, persistence drops and burnout rises.
Self-Determination Theory helps explain why. Across decades of research, Richard Ryan and Edward Deci have shown that motivation quality matters as much as motivation quantity. Goals pursued for autonomous reasons, because they reflect who you are and what you value, are more durable than goals driven by pressure, guilt, or external validation. Over time, values can become internalized, shifting motivation from “I have to” to “this is who I am.”
Identity research adds another layer. Psychologist Daphna Oyserman’s work on identity-based motivation shows that when actions feel identity-congruent, difficulty is interpreted differently. Hard doesn’t mean wrong. Instead, it means meaningful. That interpretation alone can determine whether someone leans in or disengages when progress slows.
Taken together, these findings point to a simple but powerful truth: values create a motivational infrastructure.
Why we tend to avoid values (but shouldn’t!)
Despite this research, most people skip over or rush past working on identifying and clarifying their own values. It can feel indulgent or uncomfortable to slow down and ask what actually matters, especially in a culture that rewards speed and visible achievement. “Values” work can also feel threatening because it forces a comparison between your lived life and your intended life.
But there’s evidence that this discomfort is precisely why the work matters. Research on self-affirmation, led by Geoffrey Cohen and David Sherman, shows that reflecting on one’s core values stabilizes a person’s sense of self. When people feel grounded in what matters to them, they become less defensive, more open to feedback, and more willing to change behaviors that aren’t working.
This is why values reflection shows up, not just in motivation research, but in clinical psychology as well. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), developed by Steven Hayes and colleagues, treats values clarification as a core process for building a life that works. ACT-based programs that combine values identification with small, committed actions have been shown to improve stress, well-being, and values-consistent behavior, even under difficult conditions.
Clarifying your values isn’t self-indulgent. It’s stabilizing. It can make you more resilient and more willing to change. Values clarity doesn’t make people rigid. It makes them resilient.
All of this is a fancy way of saying - by identifying YOUR values, you can set better goals that are more motivating and lead to more meaning and more behavior change.
OK Great. Where do I start? Use Evidence From Your Own Life
To start to narrow down your values, start with your own lived experience.
Think about moments when you felt deeply fulfilled. Not just happy, but steady or content. Times when effort felt worthwhile, even if it wasn’t easy.
Ask yourself:
What was I doing?
Who was I with?
What did I contribute or create?
Why did that moment matter?
What did that moment mean to me?
You’re not looking for surface details. You’re looking for the meaning underneath the experience. How did it feel?
What find the words that you can use to describe those moments and those feelings Those words embody your values. Struggling to identify those words? No stress - there are lots of great resources and values list to help you do so. Psychologist Shalom Schwartz’s Theory of Basic Values offers another well-researched map of common human values, such as self-direction, benevolence, achievement, and security. Another good list to work from is James Clear’s core values. Either of these is a great starting point to put concrete language into the feelings elicited by the questions above.
So, there you have it.
Step 1: Think over the questions with emotion
Step 2: Try to pinpoint the words (i.e., values) that anchor that feeling from one of these lists.
For example:
If your feeling of fulfillment came from an experience that involved building something or learning something new, your central values may include creativity or wisdom.
If it came from helping someone through a hard moment, service or compassion may be core.
If it came from shared effort and laughter, community or friendship may be what drives you
For a deep dive into this exercise, our Goal/Shift guide will walk you through the process.
From Values to Action
It’s important to note that values aren’t goals. They are a North Star to what you want your life to be – in other words, they are used to provide general direction to the type of life and person that you want. They give you guidance and help shape your behavior. They are words to look back at to ensure that as you decide your priorities in life and establish goals, they are rooted in who you are and who you desire to be.
Give it a try. This week, identify and choose one value that feels central right now. Then ask a simple question: What is one small behavior that would honor this value in the next seven days?
If the value is connection, maybe it’s having two meaningful reach-outs to people you haven’t connected with in awhile
If it’s learning, maybe it is making sure that you have one focused skill session this week.
If it’s health, maybe it’s prioritizing daily movement or setting a minimum amount of steps you want to take.
If it’s integrity, one honest conversation you’ve been avoiding.
At the end of the week, don’t judge the outcome. Just notice how it felt to act in alignment with your values. Did the effort feel different? Did resistance change? Did the behavior feel more like an expression than an obligation?
A closing thought
Most people want better goals. Fewer people dig into finding the clarity that makes better goals inevitable. But if you don’t decide what matters, the world will decide for you. One incentive, one expectation, one algorithm at a time.
Values work doesn’t eliminate struggle. It gives struggle meaning. And meaning changes how long you’re willing to stay in the game. Next week, we’ll build on this foundation by exploring how core values become core priorities, setting boundaries, and where most goal systems break down.
Until then, keep on shifting.
This Week’s Shift
A weekly reminder to rethink, reflect, and act:
If there was only ONE value I could live by, what would it be?
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Every week in Behavior Shift Weekly, we share ideas grounded in behavioral science and psychology, practical tools to help you think differently, act intentionally, and build the life you actually want.